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Defending Self – Love in the Insensitive World

I am a woman. God has given me a face, breasts and an ass. Anatomically speaking, I have a full body of a woman. I am tall so that makes it hard to be invisible or to hide the parts that stick out. It took me years of work to develop a healthy wholehearted approval of my body image, to love the fullness of my shapes.

The 14th of February is behind us. Despite that our quest for love continues. My idea of love and how it supposed to look was never obscured regardless of all the experiences and relationships I had to go through; to know well what love isn’t. It was also my journey of healing and releasing all the impurities that were stopping me from accessing love consciously. I believe that we all come with a massive desire to connect with love. However, in the process, we either gave up or identify with what has happened to us along the way. If it wasn’t for my stubbornness to hold on to the hope of finding love, I do not know if I would be here today.

Almost from the get-go we are brutalized emotionally, therefore our ideas about love are brutal. That has proven to be true no matter where I have been. Yes, we do have families, we do form relationship and are invested in forming bonds, but of what quality? What is also genius about the design of life is that we all are drawn to perfect relationships to snap out of hurt and become whole again and loving.

Love is a quest of self – discovery. That was something that bothered me the most as I was trying to make sense out of live. I wanted to know, so the unconditional love was revealed to me in times where I could not stand suffering anymore. It seemed to me that I had love under my belt, but it wasn’t enough. I had to get some realistic answers matching the real world. Ok, I have love, but what do I do with it? How does the universal force translates to our actions and day to day circumstances? I knew that this world is so confused and works mostly from anything other than love. So here is where we are losing at loving.

Before I begin, I would like to clarify that I do not consider anyone as good or bad. There is no judgement, but unreached potential. We are complex beings with not so pretty shadows and parts that are remarkable and beautiful. That is the reason we should look at ourselves in terms of aspects, and not let one quality of ours define us completely. This is by the way the mistake that we make the most, we just come to conclusions based on one feature. Life is complicated, because often while making a decision we have to rely on our feelings to figure out if we want to deal with a specific size and intensity of someone’s vibration.

I am a woman. God has given me a face, breasts and an ass. Anatomically speaking, I have a full body of a woman. I am tall so that makes it hard to be invisible or to hide the parts that stick out. It took me years of work to develop a healthy wholehearted approval of my body image, to love the fullness of my shapes. There were many circumstanced where I was ridiculed, laughed at or even denied sympathy because of my looks. I was praised too. I came across various reactions and opinions as if my physical image determined my personality, my soul, the being that I am within.

Since I have hips, sometime I want go out and move them a bit for my mental balance. I went out with a friend of mine who likes to dance and is fun to hang out with. I am not much of a drinker so my main goal was to enjoy the music and express myself though the movement. This is actually something odd to do in the clubs in New York City. I did my best to achieve the goal of that night even though most folks in the club, instead of dancing where walking from one end of the club to another. People were standing, walking and very few dancing. Men were trying to get women’s attentions with goofy and scary faces. That was a subtle way of picking up a female who was accompanied by a man. Girls who were without an evident male escort, we boldly approached and span without exchanging a word with a stranger. It was a sexual charade. I was not there to pick up anyone. All I wanted to pick up was the rhythm of the music. As my friend drifted off to the bar for a drink, I became an object of undertaking too. I do not mind connecting with someone and dancing in a respectful manner keeping a distance, yet when I spot that your intensions are not the same, I will immediately let you know. The guy who started an innocent chat with me did not expect my honesty coming. After two of his questions I was explicit about how I disliked a small talk and I was here to dance, not to be part of a mating game. I told him that we could dance, but I didn’t not want him to claim me as his conquest by touching me or grabbing my hands. I saw that he was failing on the floor and instead of enjoying himself he disappeared as quickly as he appeared, sad and disappointed that he was sexually rejected.

This is what we do wrong. We tend to live with this mentality that our interactions supposed to be everything or nothing. We do not make room for genuine connections that are not goal oriented. We all could have created a wonderful memory of that night, simply by dancing and enjoying ourselves for ourselves, without being a zombie with a thirst for vagina or penis. This is where we are losing, by not being in the moment without having any expectations or being attached to the results. That man lost big time, because he fled the place with an obvious to me letdown and another failure perpetuating his sense of incompleteness he entered the place with.

It was a big score for me however. I marked my boundaries once again as a woman and I was sticking to my version of self – love. I was kind enough to communicate my limits without being affected by his ego driven desire. According to me, the times where women are being treated as a commodity are over. Treat me with equal respect and speak me to me without having to objectify me even in your mind unless we are mutually in agreement with our desires.

Don’t be bugged and keep on dancing.

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